For those of you suffering from the same fear you know exactly what I'm talking about; how we just become a passenger in our own body seeing and feeling all these ticks popping up but no ability to stop or fix them. Good times on the stage.
Anyway, as I was saying, I used to have these dreams that all I had to do was turn twenty and bam! I'd be the shit. Like age was the only thing holding me back. It had to be right? I mean how could someone with as much (lack of) talent as me not already make it. I used to joke with my good friend Conrad that I was giving myself until 25. Tupac only needed 25 years to change the world so why should I hold myself to a different standard?
Ha! Well I'm 26 now, and I can't help but wonder what teenage R.K. would think of me now. No longer taunted by delusions of grandeur, I now have a dream, which I whittle away at daily in between work and grad school.
The funny thing is, I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean sure, I wouldn't mind a few extra zeros at the end of my savings account, and I would never say no to a few more Goodreads messages from people who actually read my books to tell me how much they enjoyed them (really I've discovered there's no greater social media joy than one of those messages. . . unless it's a video message that includes puppies). But really, I'm happy. And I know why.
It's tangible progress. Look, if yesterday's NYT Best Seller debacle shows us anything it's that overnight success just doesn't happen. Obviously, when I say it doesn't happen I just mean statistically unlikely. The happiness I'm finding in my writing career is not stemming from a list. I enjoy sneaking time out of my day to work on my passion; I enjoy watching an authentic audience (though still small) grow; I enjoy watching each milestone come into sight, then pass by and be replaced by the next one, going from reaching out to blogs, to having podcasts reach out to me; seeing only 1 or 2 sales a month, to a week, to now a sale a day--I know still extremely modest and many are doing far better, but those small steps are great to me. That's the thing about greatness, it isn't a set milestone, it's something that grows with you.
Anyway, I'm sorry for this rambling.
If you were bored while reading this feel free to let me have it in the comment section lol.